This is a little weird for me to be writing about this on the internet, but it has been on my heart for awhile, so here it goes.
Depression. When I used to think of this word I pictured of some odd teenager that wears black a lot, who fights with her parents, and has no friends at school. I thought "hmm, that's sad but I will never struggle with depression, I'm happy and I am a Christian.” Since I was diagnosed with depression with anxiety a year ago, this word has a whole new meaning for me. When I became a Christian in 2011 I thought "cool, my life has been changed, I am restored, I will not struggle anymore" but oh boy was I sadly mistaken. YES- I was restored. YES- my life and habits had been changed by the grace of God. NO- I still struggled, and it took me 3 years to figure this out. In the spring of 2013 I graduated from high school, and I was filled with joy, at least so I thought. I felt like I was going somewhere in life. I had a boyfriend whom I loved, I had been sharing my testimony like crazy, I was active in my youth ministry, I was getting along with my family, I had a ton of friends, life was great because I had control. I looked happy, because I was happy.I chose to go to Geneva College. Three blocks away from my high school and two towns away from home.When the fall rolled around, I was excited to go to school. Adults would tell me "you will have the time of your life" but it seemed like everything I had knew had been changed and taken from me. I had no control over it. I hate change, especially change I can't control. Me and my boyfriend broke up, I had to make all new friends, I missed my youth group, I missed being apart of something. At college I felt like I was just another student trying to avoid being unemployed in 5 years by earning a piece of paper to prove that I'm worthy of a good job. I had this weird feeling in the back of my being, it's hard to describe. The best words I can think of are loneliness, confusion, and most of all unworthiness. I would spend nights upon nights thinking of ways to end this feeling of emptiness, I couldn't shake it. I hated it. I would often find myself at train tracks pacing back and forth, contemplating the very obvious choice I could make right then and there. This was the start of my depression. I was struggling, but I hid it well by continuing to go to church and forcing a smile. I thought transferring colleges might be a solution to rid these feelings, by getting away from any spec of memory I had of that area, that I would be happier. I think that's what I wanted, to be happy again? I couldn't remember anymore, I just knew I was unhappy with myself. Maybe I needed a new beginning away from this new end? It was worth a shot, right? That spring I transferred to a school in Indiana and even changed my major, hoping that being away from everything that I once knew would give me happiness or whatever I was looking for. Although I did love the school and the friends I made, I still struggled, now more than before. God? Oh God was there, I knew He was. I just thought "He will put me where He wants me, so I will just wait." NO- our God isn't a magician who preforms on our lives. We have free will. We have choices to make. I could either walk with Him in His obedience OR I could try and run from it while He keeps trying to pull me back to Himself. I would spend nights down at the lake thinking of ways to kill myself. Thinking about drowning myself by tying multiple weights onto my ankle. No one would miss me. No one would notice. My feelings of loneliness, emptiness, confusion, and unworthiness would be gone, and that was it. I would rather be dead than to feel this way. I told my four roommates about these stupid feeling, not to this extent that I am now but something close to it, I didn't want to freak out my new friends. They told me to go to the counselor on campus. Hey it was worth a try. Maybe this was the first step of getting rid of these uncontrollable thoughts? The next day I made an appointment. The day after that I met with one of the counselor. I was on the edge of the couch, moving my legs up and down, talking faster than I thought possible, and thinking of ways to end my life that night. I was there 30 minutes early because I knew if I wasn't there early I would spend that time down my the lake, and I didn't want to do anything stupid, until I gave this a shot. I wasn't nervous to talk to her, I was nervous about coming to the conclusion that I wasn't in control. I didn't want to accept that something was wrong with me but at the same time I knew these feelings weren't normal. I knew wishing myself dead wasn't normal. I knew plotting my death wasn't normal. After two weeks my counselor sent me to a doctor to get diagnosed. Shocker, I had depression and anxiety. Thanks doctor, I knew that, can you fix me now? I felt like my doctor viewed me as an experiment. I couldn't control my thoughts or feelings so maybe this happy pill could. Sounds stupid. It was worth a shot, right? This was the height of my depression, I was insane. I looked unhappy, because I was. Even if I was having a good day, I still looked like death, because on the inside I was more than dead. People could tell, people talked, the church gossiped, and the church judged. I was alone. There was this ball and chain around my being. It was a heavy weight. I could only drag myself, not walk freely. I wasn't free to be who I was created to be. Sometimes I could define this weight and other times I didn't know the cause of the heaviness was. After my semester in Indiana, I knew I was running away from my problems, and most importantly I knew I was running away from God. $10,000 and too much wasted time later, I still found myself more confused and more unhappy than ever because I knew I was disobeying God. In the summer, I decided I was going back to Geneva College. Also, one night I heard the spirit speak to me saying "come back to me", I stopped what I was doing got on my knees and surrender my life wholeheartedly to Christ not just follow Him when I felt like it. Since then depression isn't a thought or action. It's a stupid way for the devil (crafty bastard) to try and get in the middle of my savior and I by following feelings. FEELINGS ARE NOT TRUTH ( I can't stress that enough). If feelings were truth we would be doomed. Do you think Jesus FELT like dying on the cross? Do you think Jesus FELT like being tortured for our sins? No, Jesus did this because he knew the truth. He follow Gods plans. He followed truth, Being so close to sin and so far away from God was the most darkest/ scariest/ unloving place I've ever been. But because I realized that it pushes me so much more closer to Jesus. Now, a year later, I no longer hurt myself nor dwell on suicide (praise Jesus). Yes, I have freak outs and panic attacks sometimes but NOW what is different is, in those moments of heart throbbing chaos, I STOP and pray which is so hard to do and so easy to look over. There is SO much power in prayer. Healing is a long process that keeps us on our knees wanting more of Gods goodness and oh boy I am healing and it's weird to say I love every minute of it. In the past 12 months I have been learning a lot about myself, Jesus, and life in general. Here are some realizations I've made: I realized that the medicine is not my answer, Christ is. My medicine or doctor can't fix me, only Christ. I am no longer on medicine, even when doctors suggest it for my anxiety I refuse. I refuse to let anything else be my savior besides King Jesus. I make a choice everyday to read my Bible, talk to God, and listen to God, finding peace in His presence. I make a choice everyday for King Jesus to be my savior. I realized I can't fix myself and when trying to do so it defeats the purpose of the cross. I realized God always has a plan to care for His people and we are never outside Gods care. I realized Christ does not despise our weakness. Our weakness is what actually draws Christ closer to us. Rather than struggling to disguise my weakness, I am allowing Christ to bless me through it. I realized that I do not have to preform to earn Christ's love. It grieves him to see us "work" for love. He wants us to come into His presence joyfully and confident. I realized that I was not created to be a depressed creature. The devil and sin blinds us from seeing who we are truly supposed to be. I realized we are designed to live in union with God and when we try to live independently from Him, we feel dissatisfaction and emptiness. I realized free will comes with a responsibility, each day comes with a choice to follow Him.I realized my joy should not be in anything but Christ. I realized that I can't view God through my feelings, I have to look at His promises, which are THE ONLY truth. I realized it is ok to struggle. Thinking you have life under control is a lie and when you think like that you are becoming your own God. WHICH IS PRIDE. I realized that I may not know where my life may go, but Christ does, and that is enough for me. Trusting in Him the whole way to guide me. Through my weakness Christ is working through me and in me to help others. A year ago I would have never thought I would be able to do this. Christ has brought me so far. I love being taught by Jesus, I love every second of it. Glorious blessings are around the bend. I'm humbled. Pray for me as I continue to seek Christ wholeheartedly and as I start to help others find healing in Him.
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Author: Alexa Connerdaily coffee drinker, mother to plants, follower of Jesus. Archives
April 2019
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